Parents, Educators & Community Partners

Scholars have identified several factors that predispose youth to risk behaviors. At the individual level, youth who have low self-esteem, who have negative peer groups, and low school engagement or educational aspirations are more likely to engage in risky behaviors. Familial factors include poor parent-child communication, low parental monitoring (e.g., parents are unaware of youth’s whereabouts), and a lack of family support. Not surprisingly, when parents themselves engage in risky behaviors, teens also are more likely to do so. Finally, extra-familial variables also play a role in the risk behaviors of youth. Negative school climate, poor neighborhood quality and low socioeconomic status, and poor (or no) relationships with non-parental adults also are at more risk for negative behaviors.

Researchers suggest that despite the stereotype of adolescence as a period of ‘storm and stress,’ teens actually tend to maintain a close relationship with their family during these years. For many, what actually happens during adolescence is that relationships are renegotiated rather than broken. This means that while changes occur in the relationship, most parents and teens continue to maintain a close relationship during these years. This renegotiation and transition in the parent-child relationship is only natural as the teen is growing up and is having an increased capacity for reasoning, self-discipline and independence.

As parents start to experience this ‘renegotiation,’ it is important to remember that parents continue to be the most important relationship in their teens’ lives. And while conflict and resistance might arise when parents show concern or try to discipline their teens, parents should know that this is all part of the natural progression of relationships as their children grow.

Here are several parenting strategies that parents might find helpful:

1. Listen to your teen.
The most important thing parents can do for their adolescents is to listen to them. Parents must recognize and respect the value of what they say. Too often parents dismiss or underestimate the significance of the pressure their children feel and the problems they face. Listening and valuing teens’ ideas is what promotes the ability of parents to effectively communicate with them. Listening to a teen does not mean giving advice and attempting to correct or control the situation. Sometimes all a teen might need is for parents to listen or be there for them. It is essential that teens understand that they are being heard.

2. Act on teachable moments.
Talking with teens does not always have to happen on planned one-on-one serious talks. Teachable moments, which are the best times during the day to talk, can emerge at various times of the day, often in the context of doing shared tasks or activities like cooking, driving home or dinner. Issues such as death, sexual behavior or substance abuse can come up anytime. Take advantage of these windows of opportunity, even if they are only 30 seconds long. Parents who are aware and sense that youth need to talk will look toward these teachable moments. They are more important over the long run than giving a long lecture.

3. Clearly communicate expectations.
It is essential that parents pass along a strong sense of values. This is one of the fundamental tasks of being a parent. Teens cannot read their parents’ minds so it is important that parents clearly communicate what their expectations are in terms of behaviors and values. No matter how uncomfortable it may be, parents need to talk to their children about what’s right and wrong — about appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Again, look for those ‘teachable moments.’ For instance, a good time for these discussions might be while parents are driving with their teen. Not only does the parent have a captive audience, but they can also avoid the need for eye contact. This can help teens feel more comfortable.

4. Focus on what is important.
Adolescence is a time of identity seeking and experimentation of different roles. This can be irritating and bewildering to parents. But as painful as it may be to watch, it is one way that teens learn to function on their own without having to consult their parents about every decision. Guiding principle: Do not make a fuss about issues that are reversible or do not directly threaten your child’s or another person’s safety. These issues include unwashed hair, a messy room, torn jeans and so on. Parents should save their concern and action for safety. Safety is a non-negotiable issue. Safety rules need to be stated clearly and enforced consistently. Example: Drinking is not acceptable. If you have a party here, no beer or hard liquor is allowed … and an adult must be present at any party you attend.

5. Be willing to be unpopular.
Parents need to accept that there will be times when adolescents will disagree with them and possibly even act as if they stop ‘liking’ them. It is essential to remember that parenting (and not being a ‘buddy’) is a parent’s primary role. It is important to resist the urge to win their favor or try too hard to please them.

6. Avoid useless arguing.
This does not mean that parents have to avoid confrontation. Useless arguments are those that simply fuel hostility but have no real purpose. It is important for parents to remember the following:

     I. Do not feel obliged to judge everything their teen says. Parents and teens should be able to agree or disagree.
    II. Avoid trying to reason with someone who is upset as it is futile. It is better to wait until tempers have cooled off before trying to sort out disagreements.
   III. Parents should not try to talk teens out of their feelings. Teens have the right to be hurt, angry and disappointed. Parents can acknowledge their teen’s reaction                  without condoning it. This type of response often defuses anger.
    IV. All this said, parents should not let disagreements dissuade them from talking to their teens. Studies show that parents who talk to their teens (and even disagree)            still are closer to their children than those who avoid these types of conversations.

7. Be respectful.
Parents get offended when children treat them discourteously. But they need to be careful that they do not do the same to them. Example: A parent would be very offended if their teen used offensive and hurtful language. Parents should also make sure that they are not verbally assaulting their teens.

8. Help teens learn from experience.
No matter how hard parents try to protect their teens from risky behaviors, they cannot watch their teens 24 hours every day or protect them from every risk. Should negative consequences arise, parents should try to use those situations to help teens learn from experience. Sometimes, dealing with the consequences of their own actions inspires sensible behavior more effectively than any lecture or discussion. Example: A mother went away for the weekend and without permission, her daughter invited a few friends for a party with no adults present. Several other teens crashed the party, drank heavily and threatened to get violent. The girl felt she had lost control in her own house. After her mother calmly talks to her about what happened, the daughter realizes her mother was right in insisting that adults be there.

9. Encourage participation in positive activities.
One effective way of discouraging engagement in negative behaviors is to encourage participation in positive activities. Today, there are many activities that teens can be involved in which encourage the development of various competencies and are enjoyable. If teens develop a sense of competency in acceptable activities, they will feel worthy and accepted. In feeling competent, teens likely will have fun and reduce stress. Parents need to assist youth in finding these opportunities. For instance, finding volunteer opportunities and developing a supportive network of family and friends will help buffer high-risk behaviors.

10. Help youth make healthy decisions.
Parents cannot be there all the time to help their children make healthy choices; thus, it is important to equip teens with the skills needed to make decisions on their own. An important skill in decision-making is assessing benefits and costs. In helping youth do this, one should be honest in helping teens examine the benefits and the costs of various behaviors. For instance, in talking to teens about smoking, parents should be honest about both sides. Positive consequences might be that some people find it enjoyable or even “cool.” Negative consequences include adverse health conditions, financial cost and the fact that it can give unpleasant odors. Similarly, in talking about engaging in sexual behaviors, teens might consider the benefits (e.g., they feel close to someone and want to take the next step), but also consider the risks (e.g., STDs, emotional consequences).